im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I want her autograph on my taint
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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