Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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