i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
