My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
