Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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