I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
