i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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