I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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