For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
