in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Randomize
