I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize