I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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