Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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