I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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