i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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