maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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