i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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