she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I'm having to shit out rocks
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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