you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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