I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
