White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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