Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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