I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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