It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
