you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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