I think im going to throw up on grandma
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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