I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
