Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
