I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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