I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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