So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
