My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize