Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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