I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize