if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I think i got beer on your cat.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
