Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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