I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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