Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
