we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I AM VODKA MAN
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
