i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
