remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
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