boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
