cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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