My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
