And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
