It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Come on in and take your pants off
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