2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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