please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
