cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize