"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
