so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
