none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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