I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
