If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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