don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
