So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
