11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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