i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
