im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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