not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
