then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
