apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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