Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
