Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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