she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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