I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
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