Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize