Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
