My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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