What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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